


Internal Love Letters

by heavenandhighwater



Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Confused Hasegawa Langa, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay Panic, Hasegawa Langa In Love, Hasegawa Langa Needs a Hug, Internal Monologue, M/M, Oblivious Kyan Reki, Pining Hasegawa Langa, Soft Hasegawa Langa, Sort Of, Spoilers, That's kinda it I guess, Unrequited Love, kinda jealous langa, langa centric, langa is super gay for reki, made up bits for some addded spice, semi-canonical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29820186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavenandhighwater/pseuds/heavenandhighwater
Summary: Langa's internal monologue throughout the first eight episodes.LOTS of gay panic.Basically, Langa is in love and his brain is tormenting him.
Relationships: Hasegawa Langa/Kyan Reki
Comments: 7
Kudos: 168





	Internal Love Letters

**Author's Note:**

> This was sat in my drafts for ages until I finally forced my lazy ass to watch episodes 7 and 8 and actually finish it. So, I watched them and finished this instead of doing my psychology lecture :)

Japan was as different from Canada as it got, at least that’s how it felt for Langa, sat in the car staring out the window at the passing trees. The lack of snow was the first thing that struck him. It was so unlike home, Langa was half-convinced it wasn’t the same planet. For the past seventeen years, he’d lived knee-deep in snow, some months higher and suddenly there was tall grass, clear roads and no need for his bundle of layers.

His mom always spoke well of Japan, reminiscing on the fresh springs and the sense of community there was. Despite that, she was surprised when Langa offered to move with her. He had been so happy in Canada until his father died. It’s where his friends were and everything else, he knew, including his dad. Still, he packed his life into bags and boxes and headed across the world away from everything.

Langa wanted to say he knew why to at least ease his mother mind on that but he honestly had no clue. Canada became painful, every signpost, snowy hill and quiet night reminded him that his dad wasn’t there anymore but he knew that would have passed. Eventually, Canada would have become the place it had once been for him and his dad’s death would have just been a stain on an otherwise happy life.

He wasn’t sure he could have coped without his mom, she had become his rock and losing one parent was enough for him. He didn’t need the other one on the other side of the world. So, Langa agreed and seeing how happy made his mom made it that little bit easy to leave his life behind.

Japan meant a fresh start, a totally blank slate for him. Truthfully, the prospect of such a thing made him want to cry but he kept his head down and his mouth quiet. Coming home was emotional for his mom already, he couldn’t throw his self-sabotaging teenage angst into the mix as well.

It was bearable, the fish out of water feeling until it wasn’t. He stood in front of his new class, his teacher urging him to say more about himself feeling completely lost. Not only was he struggling to translate the words from in his head to out loud but he also had no idea what he could say.

Would he tell them why he moved? What he liked? His favourite subject? It all felt stupid and personal and he didn’t see the point in sharing any of it.

Eventually, the teacher gave in and wavered him towards his seat. Langa let out a silent sigh of relief and headed towards his desk, located one row from the back. On his way, a head of bright red hair poking from beneath a bandana caught his eye.

The guy it belonged to had a bright smile on his face as he joked about with his friends that surrounded them and thrusted a notebook under their noses. Langa couldn’t fully make out what they were saying but a few words from them and the redhead turned bashful. He had a hue of pink across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose along with a cocky glint in the amber of his eyes.

The teacher shouted at them to be quiet and pay attention and suddenly Langa realised he had been staring too much. He snapped his head to the front, praying he hadn’t been caught and tried to drown away thoughts of sunny redheads with Japanese. Specifically, trying the figure out what the fuck was being said and asked of him and whether he would automatically translate in his head one day. For his own sanity, he hoped he would.

Unfortunately for his translating skills and his heart, Langa was dreadful at drowning out his thoughts. It didn’t matter if he was learning maths, Japanese, English or if he was sat eating his lunch, the image of the smiling guy in his head played over and over again.

By the end of the day, Langa was about ready to bang his head against the table and cry. He didn’t know the guy’s name and he hadn’t even seen his face for longer than a minute and yet he was rolling through his brain like a movie on repeat.

That’s why, later that day and after a beautifully failed interview, Langa was devastated to learn the skateboard he’d just caught belonged to the exact same chatty redhead he’d spent all day thinking about already.

The sheer shock of seeing him and so suddenly and the butterflies raging havoc on his stomach left Langa a stuttering mess. Reki introduced himself and all Langa could do in return was stare at him blankly as he chanted the name in his head, practising how he’d let it roll off his tongue.

“I’m in your class, remember?”

Langa knew that, he was painfully aware of the fact but it seemed better to come off as the arrogant, shy new kid rather than the stalker.

So, he kept quiet, just like he had with his mom. He tried Reki’s skateboard, fell on his ass and begged him for a job until he succeeded, all without mentioning the way the redhead’s voice made his head dizzy and his heart sluggish.

Even when they were heading towards S and Reki’s arms were wrapped tightly around his waist for support, none of it felt real. As people on boards appeared out the woodwork and cut across the front of their bike, Langa came to the conclusion that he had blindly followed his crush into a cult. Possibly an actual one.

Winning the race later that night, letting Reki’s praise wash over him and watching the pink flush in his cheeks like the day they met all felt like a dream. In fact, every moment with Reki felt like a dream. His head burnt with a fuzz whenever they were with each other and his average heart rate seemed to have increased as a symptom of falling deeper for him.

Sitting on the floor of Reki’s room was the most bizarre. There was no doubt it was his, bright colours, stickers, sketches and board littered the place. It was clear that skateboarding was Reki’s one true passion and the amount of time he dedicated to it was evident.

Reki’s family had been warm and welcoming. Even though his dad wasn’t around, his mom and sisters seemed to spread enough love for him and Reki's flair for physical affection clearly came from them. The cake his mom gave him and the constant attention from his sisters was all lovely but just being allowed into such a private aspect of Reki’s life was more than enough for Langa.

“I’m real sorry about them.” Reki smiled, finally closing the door and his family out.

“No, it’s okay. My house is so quiet, it’s a nice change.”

A partial lie. Yes, his house quiet but the constant pestering of young twins was beginning to grate on Langa before the door closed.

“Want to trade? You can keep them forever, I’m just that generous.”

“No thank you.” Langa quipped, then panicked. “I mean, they’re sweet but I’m used to the quiet.”

“You can say they’re nightmares, I’ll only agree with you.”

Langa chuckled and they continued searching through magazines, Reki sat a little too close and his breath fanning by Langa’s neck whenever he got particularly excited. Langa did his best to smile along and act like he wasn’t screaming internally, half convinced that none of it could be real.

Reality only hit him when he landed his first ollie. The impact of his hip smacking against the concrete sent a shock of pain and clarity through his body. That pain was certainly real, which meant everything else had been. Sure, he’d been battered over the past few weeks but the pain and pride he felt falling on his ass at that moment solidified it all.

Reki crouching down and offering a high-five was real, the smile on his face and the way the sunset bounced of his irises, all real and Langa was experiencing it.

What could only be described as gay panic washed over him when he reached out his palm to smack against Reki’s. The slight sting in his fingers and the ache on his knuckles when they were done seemed more present in the forefront of his mind than any of the cuts or bruises littering the rest of his body were. 

Langa was pretty convinced, as he laid in bed that night, that his heart was at full capacity. It felt heavy and full in his chest, ready to burst if Reki flashed so much as one more smile.

Yet, it somehow grew more.

When Miya showed up at the shop, Langa didn’t know what to think. He’s short stature and overwhelming confidence seemed to contradict each other, not to mention the cute school uniform. But no matter what the brat said or did, nothing compared to how wound up Langa felt when he saw how infatuated Reki was with him. He treated the kid like a god.

That’s why Langa said yes, knowing full well it was stupid and that he was underprepared. He agreed because if by some miracle he beat the pipsqueak, then maybe Reki would look at him with the same level of admiration.

“It’s crazy what you’re doing, you know?” Reki sighed the night before the race. They were in the shop; the sun had dipped down and Langa was watching as Reki worked on his board. “I back you fully, I always will but you’re nuts.”

“I wasn’t about to back down. I’ve told you before what skating means to me.”

“Even so, this seemed a little far. You sure you’re good to do it?”

“With you in my corner? I’ll be fine.” Langa smiled.

Suddenly it felt like too much, too obvious, too clear but Reki just chuckled and continued working. Langa breathed out a sigh of relief, thank god.

If Langa was being completely honest with himself, just the fact Reki was willing to put in so many hours building a custom board for him, made his heart soar. He knew it was no romantic gesture but it was kind and thoughtful and for as long as Langa could have it, he was going to take it.

That meant, by the hot springs trip, Langa couldn’t even begin to process the close contact between the two and how naturally it came. For the five seconds, Reki’s attention was on the girl on the ferry, Langa could feel the quiet bubble of jealousy. He was grateful for Miya and Shadow stepping in to tease him so he could hide behind the same pretence and act like he wasn’t ready to explode.

Even when it came to nothing, Langa still felt a pull at his heart with the realisation that unless he grew boobs overnight, there was no way Reki would ever look at him like that. 

After that, Langa swore of close contact between the two, only to break it the second they were off the boat. As Reki prepared to do the same trick Joe just had, Langa’s hand flew out instinctively against his chest.

"Don't." He warned. "You're arm needs to heal first."

It was true what he told him; he didn’t want him getting hurt from trying anything risky before his arm was properly healed. Still, he was grateful when Cherry backed him so that he didn’t sound like the only overprotective mom. However grateful for Cherry’s support as he was, Langa couldn’t help but take note of the knowing glint in Cherry’s eyes. He’d have to keep an eye out for that.

Once their feet were on the unmoving ground of the beach and there was a lower chance of Reki throwing himself into harm's way, Langa calmed. He was convinced that there was no reason for the pair to touch for at least a few hours.

Then Reki went and did it. He flung his arms around Langa’s shoulders and clung to his side like a maiden in distress. Reki’s words fell on deaf ears, Langa’s brain too distracted with the sensation of Reki’s warmth flowing into him. Why was he so hot?

When his brain finally stopped lagging and his mental boner had chilled, Langa came back to life. Wrapping his arms around Reki’s middle and pulling him close. He tried not to think about the hot fan of Reki’s breath against his bare chest or the way his hair tickled his neck - instead deciding to focus his time on enjoying himself.

It was a moment he’d have to enjoy because it was over too soon but the sensation of their touch burned on the surface of their skin.

For the rest of the trip, Langa found himself near Reki, longing for his touch, restless in his seat as he waited for the hot spring like a kid just entering puberty. 

His entire life, Langa had remained calmed and collected, training his body to maintain a poker face even when his internal was falling apart. Yet, Reki was undoing all the hard work. Langa couldn’t seem to control the random blushing, the butterflies in his stomach, the way his face involuntarily glowed when he got the smallest amount of attention for him.

Langa was sure that once they were back home and less naked around each other, he would cool off and stop behaving like a fangirl.

But somehow, the pair ended up falling into a routine. Every morning they skated to school together, every night they skated home, spending a couple of hours riding around before they crashed at Reki’s house for a while. It had become Langa’s second home. He was well acquainted with his mom and sisters and quickly became his favourite way to kill time before his own mom got home from work.

Obviously, Langa didn’t mind the time we spent together. It seemed every day like he was getting better and better at skating, climbing higher with each practice. Every time he pushed harder, did better, Reki was on the ground, cheering him on with a bright smile.

That was Langa’s favourite part of it all, watching Reki’s smile turn upside down for that brief moment before he came flying back to the ground where Reki could congratulate him and ruffle his hair.

For the first time since his dad died, Langa felt his heart had finally begun to thaw and heat was flowing through him again. No doubt the result of fiery redheads.

That’s why the fight came as such a shock. Langa had known something was off but he never expected he would be the problem.

The rain was disgustingly appropriate, masking the tears that welled in his eyes. It felt like a movie, the way they stared each other down, the distance between them which seemed to just get longer. Even the way Reki’s face lost it’s shine and twisted up into a snarl, Langa felt sick.

After that it all sort of fell apart. Reki stopped showing up to S, stopped talking as much, picked at his food and was always to busy for extra skate practice. He stayed by Langa’s side, silently rooting for him and giving him all the support, his broken heart could muster but Langa didn’t see any of that, he just felt the ache of loneliness in his chest, the cold that worked through his body.

That’s why when his mom asked him “Do you like this person?”, every moment the pair spent together, spun through his head. The question made his heart slam hard against his ribs with the realisation that he was going to have to say it out loud.

“Yeah, I do.” Langa mumbled, feeling the fire in his cheeks

Sure, his mom thought it was a girl but he would take that for the time being. He’d admitted it to himself and to his mom, it was real. But just admitting that to himself wasn’t enough to make him brave enough to tell Reki, despite his mother’s optimistic encouragement.

He could fantasise about it though, what he’d say to Reki if he ever got the chance.

He’d start with _‘thank you’_. Probably followed by;

_‘I felt a little lost before you showed me skateboarding, everything reminded me of my dad and how he wasn’t around but you changed that. You’ve let me use everything he’s ever taught me and doing something new with it. It’s gonna be a long time before I step on a snowboard again but my dad doesn’t feel so far away anymore._

_I’m putting my all into this, not because I’m trying to leave you in the dust but because I know you love this and it makes me love it even more. I don’t know what’s making you feel like a nobody but you’re everything to me.’_

Langa was almost sick. He wasn’t sure what depth of his brain he pulled that fluff from but it could go straight the hell back, there was no way he was saying that.

When he was doing embarrassing himself, he excused himself from the table and dashed off to his room to scream in his pillow and try to pretend he wasn’t falling like a fool. His brain would be the death of him.

Reki continued to avoid him and even when Langa was preparing to race down S, he was still desperately searching for his counterpart. Reki was too prideful and too experienced at hiding to be caught though, determined to watch from afar.

So, once the pair was done repeatedly passing each other and Langa stood at the start line, Joe by his side, he tried to shake off the feeling in his stomach that something was missing.

The lights lit up green and they were off.

Langa just prayed Reki would be waiting for him at the end, his signature beam ready to cheer him on.

**Author's Note:**

> I might update this at some point and add to it as season 1 progresses cause no doubt there will be material to squeeze in. I headcanon that there is no end to Langa's gay panic.


End file.
